Christmas at St Bunion s

Lucy Moore

This festive season can sometimes put a strain on the very best of our church fellowships, so to help you cope with the stresses of the coming weeks, Barnabas offers you the chance to eavesdrop on the forum chat from St Bunion’s in the parish of Much Dripping.

The Revd. Venables, St. Bunion’s jovial rector, Hengist its irascible organist and Queenie its matronly choir-mistress, along with Noodles (?) that ever-helpful teenager and the retired Revd. Prink are in heated debate about this year’s nativity play and carol service…Read on…..

Revd Hannibal Venables
Watching the fascinating Television Programme The Raven, yesterday over crumpets with Gretchen, I am inspired to address you all as ‘Young Warriors’. It seems to me that this Advent season is one in which, more than usual, we, in the parish of Much Dripping, spend our lives swimming through freezing lochs, dodging firebreathing demons, and collecting skulls as trophies. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I will expand this theme in my sermon next Sunday.

In this run-up to Christmas, Young Warriors, let us remember the need for teamwork, assisting each other through the labyrinths of swinging axes and boiling oil that constitute our PCC meetings as we prepare for the festive season

It would also be fruitful, I feel, to strive for unity as we consider the content of both nativity play and carol service. While last year’s alternative nativity from Noodles and the youth group, Merry Textmas, had its undoubted good points, perhaps we should attempt something less ambitious this year? Perhaps without Noodles’ impressive sound system. It would be nice to avoid another Summons for causing a Breach of the Peace. I would like to have a more intellectual approach to the Christmas story this year, in order to help us understand more of the facts of the narrative. Has anyone any ideas?

Christmas on the Television is a time of repeats, but let us endeavour not to have a repeat of last year’s little occurrence during the Carols by Candlelight. While our dear organist, Hengist’s choice of carols was original and indeed challenging, Mrs Frunghorn still suffers from palpitations and the baldachin will never be quite the same. I shall propose a more traditional list of carols this year. The collection will be going as ever to the Nether Dripping Llama Sanctuary.

So, this Christmas, may the spirit of peace and harmony, unity and tolerance descend on us all like unto a camouflage net dropped upon unwitting young warriors from a pine tree. Amen.

Hengist MacDougal
Fortified by the latest bottle of Loch Bucket, sent from my aunt in Inverness, I set to work four hours ago on the suggested list of carols for the Carols by Candlelight service. I offer the following resume of my increasingly irate thoughts thereon.

‘Away In A Manger (first verse sung by children only)’ What does this mean? ‘ Away in a manger?’ Far away in a manger? Put away in a manger? A misprint for a babe in a manger? And what about ‘No crying he makes?’ How do you make crying? Is this great literature? And is it not sickly enough without lisping children’s voices singing it? ‘lays down his sweet head’ ‘bless all the dear children’ Can you see any correspondence between the sentiments in this carol and the gum-chewing, tamagotchi-touting i-Pod-wearing oiks we have in our children’s choir?

‘Once in Royal’ A wee bittie dodgy on the theological front, don’t we think, in this enlightened age? ‘When like stars thy children crowned / All in white shall wait around.’ Pardon me – where do we read that all there is to do in heaven is to wait around as if at some celestial bus station? Or like a row of high class staff in Weatherspoons? And was Jesus so ‘mild and obedient’ as a child? I don’t call staying out for three nights in Jerusalem either mild or obedient.

‘O Come all ye faithful’ We are only singing this if Queenie takes the children’s choir through this word by word so that we don’t have last year’s rousing chorus of ‘Oh come let us abhor him.’ I am not a biology teacher and I refuse to be the one to describe to young Rodney Mopp what abhorring a virgin’s womb might entail.

‘In the bleak midwinter’ ‘Snow had fallen, snow on snow / Snow on snow.’ How much snow? At least ten foot drifts, by my reckoning, which would make it physically impossible for any shepherd to bring a lamb anywhere near Bethlehem. And in answer to the question: What can I give him? Poor as I am…, wouldn’t it be more appropriate in this day of strapped for cash churches, with the parish share getting bigger by the hour and congregations with less and less idea of tithing, to offer something other than just ‘Gi-i-ive my heart’, which is, after all, an easy option compared with ‘Gi-i-ive my Volvo’?

I could go on with the tedium of the tune of ‘The first Nowell’ or the immature giggles occurring every year around Good King Wenceslas’ innuendoes because ‘earth’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘trod’. I could mention the peculiar pointlessness of ‘Ding Dong Merrily On High’ or the unlikeliness that a night in a room full of animals, birthing women and shepherds could be anything near ‘Silent’ but I can bear it no longer. Isn’t it time we had some Christmas carols that were more than sentimental illiterate Victorian nursery rhymes? I applaud the Rector’s quest for intellectual rigour: let’s have it in the choice of carols too.

Queenie Quorn
I was shocked to read the stream of vitriol issuing from our own organist’s keyboard. If I wasn’t certain that a bottle of Loch Bucket was speaking rather than he, I would be suing for his instant removal. As long as we could find someone else to play of course.
Carols are more than just words and tunes – they are embued with the richness of tradition and it behoves us to hand this precious inheritance on to our children. Christmas is all about tradition. We do it all for the children.

Children’s Choir will meet at 6pm on Weds to practise. After the last Family Service all kazoos have been banned from church premises by order of the Wardens. Please note we will not be repeating the ‘sing along to a ring tone’ exercise suggested by Noodles last time, so mobile phones need not be brought either, and it would be appreciated if all chewing gum is removed before singing commences.

Noodles
Had gr8 idea for nativity. Need a real donkey tho. NE ideas?

Revd Ozymandias Prink
I too applaud the desire to create something intellectually challenging this Christmas. As retired minister in this parish, I offer my services to organise the nativity play. It will be adults only, in order to avoid the unnecessary sentimentality of using children. My intention is to focus on the intellectual truths of the Christmas story: the theological background, the historical facts, the sociological implications for us today. Anyone interested and over the age of 55, please come to an audition on Thursday night 7.30.

Noodles
But the kidz always do the nativity.

Revd Ozymandias Prink
And look what happened last time. This time we have a powerful academically accurate script, written by myself, from the point of view of St Entropy the Lesser, one of the first Christian academic monks, as he wrestles in his monastic cell with the facts of the Christmas story. You children cannot be expected to understand the real meaning of Christmas.

Noodles
Wheres the donkey?

Revd Ozymandias Prink
Exactly my point. We need to get back to the facts: there is no donkey mentioned in any of the gospel narratives. Another example, as I’m sure our esteemed organist would agree, of tradition being valued over truth. Let us make this Christmas at St Bunion’s one of unsentimental unvarnished gospel truths, revealing the core of the Gospel stories with their gritty relevance for today. Let us shun all the sentimental childish claptrap which disguises the real meaning of Christmas.

Noodles
Just becoz its childish doesn’t make it untrue. ive got a donkey substitute lined up

Revd Ozymandias Prink
I am determined that children shall not obscure the true meaning of Christmas. We spout all this nonsense about Christmas being for the children, whereas it is in actuality a harsh, vicious story of vulnerability, poverty, state oppression and violence. Not cute furry animals and blonde-haired angels.

Hengist MacDougal
The choir will need to be able to see their carol sheets this year.

Queenie Quorn
I don’t think you should presume to question Revd Prink, Noodles, dear. He must know more than you, as he’s so much older. Please could you not bring your leopard gecko to choir practice next time. Mrs Frunghorn really shouldn’t have to undergo any more shocks in her convalescent state. And it might be better not to tell Jodie about your new tattoo until after the Carol Service. You know how easily distracted she is.

Revd Hannibal Venables
Now now, young warriors! Remember that we all have our part to play in the great obstacle course which is Advent at St Bunion’s. I watched the rehearsal for The Revelation of St Entropy last night, and while I can’t exactly say I understand all the theology, history and sociology in it, I am sure it’s all very worthwhile and the only reason I needed to be awoken at the end was because I had spent most of the previous night pursuing a leopard gecko around the vestry.

While I sympathise entirely with Hengist’s unique ‘take’ on the carols, I can’t help feeling that we would face a public outcry if we sang the ones on his proposed list. I’m sure Vietnamese throat-singing and thirteenth century Latin plainchant has its place, but perhaps not at the most popular service of the year. And I do not like to think how Mrs Frunghorn would react to the Swedish Body-Plucking version of ‘We three Kings’. Remember the true meaning of Christmas is one of peace and goodwill to all – with the possible exception of the part of the story about King Herod and the bit we don’t mention about the children being slaughtered.

Hengist MacDougal
How will the choir see or be seen behind the monstrous great edifice that is the set for this year’s nativity play? Do we really need twenty feet of black tissue paper backdrop? Why all the cardboard cut-outs? Why the lecture notes? Why so many ramps? How many candles are you giving us in the choir stalls?

Revd Ozymandias Prink
It is all crucial to the ambiance of the nativity play and must not be removed. The cast needs time to practise on the set as their zimmer frames hamper movement somewhat.

Hengist MacDougal
How can we read the carol sheets in the dark? We need more candles.

Queenie Quorn
Last run through of carols and nativity play tomorrow night. Please no electronic devices of any kind: the massed tamagotchis seem to have affected the hearing loop. And no wildlife.

Rodney Mopp will be singing the solo of ‘Away in a manger’ and Jodie will sing the descant for the final verse of ‘Oh come all ye faithful’ if she can keep her concentration on the singing and off Noodles’ tattoos. We will practise singing by candlelight. You do not need to bring cigarette lighters or indeed anything inflammable. A last reminder: no gum. No mobile phones. No cropped tops and visible body piercings to be taped over. Did Mary reveal her tummy? I don’t think so. Did Joseph have a pierced nostril? I feel it is unlikely. Let us emulate their example.

Hengist MacDougal
Still more candles needed, I think.

Revd Hannibal Venables
Well, young warriors, what an eventful Christmas season it turned out to be. Many thanks to all those involved. It was of course a great pity that the combined heat of the choir candles during the final choir practice made the set for the St Entropy nativity play burst into flame. Many thanks to Hengist for his prompt action with the fire extinguisher and piscina water. It was sad that the cast felt unable to contemplate performing in the absence of sufficient props, and we are thankful that no-one was hurt and that even Mrs Frunghorn will be back on her feet by Christmas Day.

But we are deeply indebted to Noodles and the children, who rallied round superbly and presented such a moving impromptu nativity play at one evening’s notice. The llama from the sanctuary made an excellent donkey substitute and Gretchen has just the stuff to get the stains out of the carpet, so no worries there.

While Rodney’s solo version of ‘Away in a Manger’ owed more to Eminem than to King’s College Choir, we must remember we have a whole year to restore relationships between church and outraged parishioners who like their carols straight. Miss Quorn may like to meditate on forgiveness and Rodney may like to apologise for giving her such an unexpected version of this usually touching and sweet carol. Where you learnt your rap version from, I cannot imagine, but perhaps I could see Rodney and Noodles before Epiphany so that they can explain?

How pleasant it is to belong to a church where so many ages work together for the greater glory of God.

Reflecting on the Christmas story, perhaps it is not a story for children. Revd Prink is right in that we need to sort out the hard and fast truths from the traditional sentiment that has been superimposed onto the Christmas story.

But it is also a story of mystery and wonder. A story that, like so much of the Scripture, goes beyond our intellectual understanding. And I caught something of this as I watched young Jodie stumble clumsily up the aisle with the cushion up her costume. Perhaps that is why we need it to be told to us by children: it is such hallowed ground that only children, with their relatively undamaged spirituality and openness to God, can take us beyond our cognitive appreciation of its objective truths. God can and does use the children’s enactment of this story to move us in our emotions and inner being.

Young warriors, old warriors, blessings to you all in your heads and your hearts this Christmas.

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